For the last seven months, this blog has been wordless. I thought it would remain permanently wordless, believing that I had divorced myself from social media. But, here, today, I find myself tapping at the keys again.
The last seven months have been a great time of change, on the farm, and in my mind. I have shed bits and pieces of the farm and have been disillusioned and enlightened countless times.
I have cried. I have chuckled. I have struck out in anger and frustration. I have nursed and cared with empathy and compassion. I have felt adrift. I have felt more firmly moored. I have felt trapped. I have felt set free. I have lost. I have gained. The farm has been my savior. The farm has been my executioner. The pigs my joy. The pigs my fury.
I have been Sisyphus. I have been Prometheus. I have been Hercules. I have been Achilles. But, most of all, I have been myself, and in being myself, I have struggled to be — to be a farmer, a husband, a brother, a son, a friend…
I have lost hope more times than I can count. I have regained it just as many.
Pigs. I love them. I hate them just as much. I am invigorated by them. I am tortured by them. They are my totem and my curse.
After five years, the honeymoon is over. I am living real life now, free from lies, free from myth, free from hyperbolically romantic notions about farm life.
Free, finally free. But, it is an enmeshed freedom. I am enmeshed in mundanity, the banality and utter boredom of rote chores.
The thrill of being part of something grand is gone. I know now there is nothing grand about farming; it deserves no cachet. It is a job, like any other. I hate the fresh air, the rumble and bounce of the tractor, the mirthful narfs and antics of the pigs just as much as I hate the cubicle, the water cooler, and PowerPoint.
But…
But in spite of the end of the honeymoon, in spite of the loss of illusion, in spite of the loss of the myth of the grand, I continue farming, on the brink, spurred on, vocationally enlivened.
January 9, 2012 at 10:18 am
Glad to have you back !
January 9, 2012 at 10:27 am
Bob, I’ve always enjoyed hearing from you and hope your new perspective gains you some peace. Happy New Year?
January 9, 2012 at 6:53 pm
Best of luck for the future Bob.
January 9, 2012 at 7:34 pm
Bob, You have a lot to offer. I appreciated your insights talking with you this fall.
I farrowed my first litter in the hoop barn. She has seven left out of eleven.
January 19, 2012 at 12:21 am
Inspired by your site we moved from the mighty Manhattan to Missouri, and its going well. Got some Red/Black Star, and a few Ameraucana. Just picked up 2 jersey bull calves, and waiting for our red wattles piglets, and kiko doelings to get ready.
January 28, 2012 at 10:48 am
Glad to see you reluctantly return. Look forward to reading more.
February 2, 2012 at 1:48 pm
I have been farming for 3 years now and share your sentiments. I too farm pigs and they are also source of joy and pain. Sometimes I can tear my hair out. Nothing seems to work. But I love the land and will choose this life over any office job anyday.
March 25, 2012 at 12:17 pm
Bob, Hoping spring is being good to you and your pigs. the weather has been very unusual and I hope you have been able to use it to your advantage and not your new curse. Soon, I’ll be amongst the group that turns the soil and feeds the animals. On a small scale, after 45 years of” cubical life”but here just the same; from 1/8 acre to 10. From small garage to 3 barns. Back to where I started in 1967. Keep writing and encouraging us little guys.
April 20, 2012 at 6:43 pm
Bob, Its Desiree from TCB. I was so excited to find you have a blog. You cant stop now. Are you still selling meat? Because I am interested. I am a quarter of the way through a goal I set to become self-sufficient on my own land. I dont think I will be self-sufficient in the 2 years I gave myself but Its pushing me to stay focused. I would really like to talk to you and I am looking forward to reading your blog and hope you keep it up.
Des
May 30, 2012 at 10:53 am
Hi Bob – it has been a long time. I am glad to hear things are going in your life on the land! Peace on the land my friend. How about another six month update? Farm on brother.